Lucky Todd gets the essence of Robert Patrick all over him!!!!!

Blog number 3, in which the Pigs ponder rock candy,
possible child molestation
and do some new math.

(8.24 mins)

Night has fallen and we find the Pigs on what appears to be a porch, drinking what appears to be beer. Well Stee and Todd are drinking beer, Skelton has not been offered a beer at this point. Instead of stopping the film and starting again, the film blips and Skelton magically has a beer, ............geez...I bet there are many people out there who wish they had that power.

Film Pig fact --Skelton is magic

The boys have seen a flick called The Marine.

Todd proves his value as a Film Pig by providing us the audience with the title, however it appears that the pressure of this important task proves to much for our favorite commerical actor, and he passes the torch immediately to Skelton.

Using humor as a defense mechanism to hide his true feelings about this movie, Skelton tells us what the movie was about "93 minutes." OH SKELTON.........you SLAY me!!!

Stee deliberately swallows the beer he has in his mouth and quickly takes control (Author Note: think we are seeing a pattern here).

"It was about a Marine named John Cena, is a giant, retarded Matt Damon on steroids" Stee tells us.

Stee, you sure do have a way with words

Then the Pigs cut to a clip of GRMD (giant, retarded Matt Damon) himself giving us the lowdown on the movie. He discusses asses.

Stee continues his narrative, as Skelton has minor seizures in the background, and Todd jumps away from Skeltons frantically waving arms. It appears that Skelton may beat Todd when they are alone, I may have to contact the authorities.

Stee explains the cause of Skeltons seizure/attack on Todd, by blaming it on moths flying around the porch. We will see..............

Apparently the plot of the movie is this:

The terminator (Robert Patrick, not Arnold) steals diamonds, kidnaps GRMD's whore wife
(Stee mistakenly calls her the whore girlfriend but both Todd and Skelton quickly point out that while Stee is the tallest, in this instance he was not correct. She was the whore wife, not the whore girlfriend) then the chase is on, apparently there are a band of kooks

(Author Note: I have not seen this film, but I am hoping desperately that the band of kooks described are The Neptunes!!!
Man! I loved that shark!)

and the South Carolina Bayou (?) involved. At this point I do believe that even Stee is a little confused about what actually happened in this film.

Then the boys get very cerebral.

Stee: Anyway there were about 8 people in the theater, and we were like half of them, and it was really really terrible.

Skelton: Which is difficult because there's only 3 of us.

Todd begins talking, but Skelton and Stee are giggling and trying to do the math

Stee offers: Well I was lying down over 2 seats for part of it

Todd finally gets his say: "He (Stee) was napping, Skelton was complaining"

There is a quick exchange between Todd and Skelton about the possibility that Skelton was masturbating during the movie.

Todd contiues, theorizing that the director, director of photography and the editor were all"clearly retarded". They then cut to a clip of the movie that proves Todd's point.

The Pigs did find something enjoyable about the film, the character played by Anthony Ray Parker. Apparently Parker's character mentions for some bizarre reason, early in the film that he hates rock candy. Skelton provides us with an explanation for this seemingly irrational hatred toward rock candy............MOLESTATION AT SUMMER CAMP!!!!!!!!!!!! Although the character doesn't come right out and say it was molestation....it is implied (Author Note: Implied Molestation and the Film Pigs.........yep).

Todd briefly suggests multiple options for the implied molestation.........he says fuck a lot (Author Note: This is part of Todd's charm).

There is a very quick exchange between Stee and Skelton, about the whether this movie could be considered a film or not ..........Skelton wins.

At 3 minutes and 3 seconds Stee speaks for all the Pigs and makes a promise, that I can only cross my parts and HOPE is true.

Stee: We vow, though, as The Film Pigs, to see, the 4th time we do this, we're going to see a movie that someone has seen out there.

Todd: Other than the 8 people (Author Note: 8??? the fan club has grown!!!!!!)

Stee then quickly recaps the first 3 movies that the Pigs have Vlogged about, there are cleverly inserted clips of the first 2 vlogs to back up Stee's words.

Concluding what the Pigs liked about the film, Todd suggests that the rock candy/molestation story line was acceptable as was one scene with cellphone usage involved. At this point Stee and Skelton move off camera so Todd can show us his craft by recreating the scene. It is a beautiful thing.

AND SCENE!!!!!!!!! The review, she is over............moving on

Now here is the part where out stalwart troops talk about what they have seen lately.

Todd: The last film I saw was Texas Chainsaw Massacre : The Beginning (Author Note: Have you ever seen the original? Weren't you just thrilled when the whiny ass guy in the wheelchair finally got killed?)

Stee: How's that?

Todd: Umm.....well, you know to say its good is misleading.

Stee: Skelton, what did you see?

Skelton: I haven't seen any movies lately I've just been uhh.....keeping up on Lost (Author Note: I have never seen an episode of Lost)

Stee: The best part about Lost is going on the boards on websites like Television Without Pity (Author Note: A site I LOVE LOVE LOVED, until it was sold........I don't love it as much now) and other ones and after every episode people go in (Stee now mimes typing and impersonation of an disgruntled Lost fan) I'm officially done, fuck you Lost! And they are just so angry at Lost for some reason.

Todd: I'm not angry at Lost but I am starting to get a little bored with it.

Stee: He likes Jericho better than Lost

Todd: yeah

Skelton: I still haven't seen Jericho

Todd: I think Skeet Ulrich is dreamy

Stee: Well yeah we can talk about The Departed, cause I saw The Departed and uh....I didn't really like it. And everyone else loved it and I didn't like it cause....

Todd, making sure Stee doesn't feel alone in this big, cruel world: Not everyone loved it, I thought it was O K.

They discuss Martin Scorsese and The Departed for a little while longer. Todd does take a moment to use his celebrity to help mankind.

Todd: Note to Martin Scorsese, Leonardo DiCaprio is not fucking Irish, so stop with that.

I appears to the trained eye, that Stee and Skelton both agree with this point

This segment has come to and end..........let's find out WHAT'S ON YOUR TIVO??!!!!

Todd?
-AShowtime film called Love Object about a man and his "really fancy sex
doll"
-Apparently Todd started to finally watch The Minion that he had on his Tivo previously, however he realized it was the tv version and not worth the effort.

Skelton? Hilarity ensues when Skelton replies to the Tivo query with "I don't have a Tivo"

Apparently this makes him less of a man.

Stee then brags that he has 3 tivos and Skelton should maybe have one of his, but he really isn't offering.

Stee never answers the tivo question but does sum up 3 very important lessons learned in this Vlog.

1. The Minion should only be watched in its nonmolested form
2. Skeet is dreamy
3. Todd is a really good actor

Then as if the need to review burns in him, Stee begins to review Todds re-enactment of the scene from The Marine.

Our three heroes discuss Todd performance, bantering about buzz words like essence.

One more full minute of down home humor rolls and then like the wind they are gone.

Love,
That Girl

It's Getting Steamy In Here!

Blog number 2, in which Stee does not recommend swallowing horse semen,
and we experience technical difficulties
(which have nothing to do with horse semen).

(6.39 mins)
Reaching back to the beginning of the wonderful world of The Film Pigs and their vlogging efforts is proving more difficult than it should. Vlog # 1 in which our fearless Pigs brave not only the light of day, but sobriety as well, is currently unavailable to me. This will not stop me, onward to Vlog #2.

The Film Pigs thoughts on Jet Li's Fearless, and other things.

Vlog #2 opens with Stee, Skelton and Todd in the back seat of Stee's Honda in the parking lot of the Arclight theater. Stee is sporting an a very pimptastic leather coat and backward hat. It is a good look for him. Skelton, the lucky bastard has the middle seat, and if Todd were any more excited he might just crap his pants. These guys are all class, and the lighting is poor.

Todd and Skelton giggle about a possible post-vlog make out session, requiring Stee to take the reins and focus the others much like a preschool teacher with a room full of unruly 3 and 4 year olds.

Skelton proves just how important he is the the Film Pig dynamic by providing the title of the movie just seen, and the reviewing begins.

The boys quickly clarify that the film they have just seen is not to be mistaken for a film of the same name starring The Dude, and then they launch into a brief description/summary. The ease in which they do this is almost poetic, each individual thought coming together in an almost choreographed fashion.

Stee: it was some sort of like Chinese true story but then turn into a chop socky, wire work, action flick..right kinda, it was a period piece.
Todd: it was a melodrama disguised as an epic.
Skelton: with about 40 minutes of down time in the middle.

With the summary over the personal feelings begin to be expressed. Stee, the obvious leader in this vlog, begins.
Stee: it made me so sleepy I had to get up and walk around the Arclight in the middle of the movie.
Todd agreed: it was very slow and the fights were sort of uninspired.

The guys begin discussing "a giant, white, bald guy" from the film, but are easily distracted when Stee discovers that if they lean back they have better lighting. What they don't know is that when they lean back like that the viewers can see right up their noses. Thanks Pigs.

Dolph Lundgren and a remake of Red Scorpion, by the "giant, white, bald guy" are discussed as is black blood vomiting. Awesome.

At 2 minutes and 10 seconds the review of Jet Li's Fearless is over, 4 minutes and 30 seconds to go.

Stee steers the conversations to the other movie he watched that day, Jackass: Number 2, which he felt "was quite enjoyable."

The Pigs share a inside joke, and move right along.

Stee: What else have you seen lately Skelton?
Skelton: the second half of season 2 of Battlestar Galactica (author note: Jamie Bamber is sexy).



Stee: Todd?
Todd: the last thing I watched was an episode of House (author note: Hugh Laurie is amazing, and sexy).







After a quick rundown of that episode of House, our guys segue nicely into a bit they have been trying, it's called, what's on your Tivo?

Hey Film Pigs, What's on your Tivo?

Skelton's answer provides laughter all around the Honda.

Skelton: "I don't have a Tivo"

Todd's answer is surprisingly similar to the answer he gave in Vlog #1: The Minion with Dolph Lundgren, 5 episodes of Blade, 6 episodes of Brotherhood.


Stee actually spliced a section of Vlog #1 into Vlog #2, in which Todd is answering the Tivo question almost word for word. Although it appears that he has watched a few episodes of both Blade and Brotherhood.


Stee then begins talking, although it is unclear as to whether he is answering the Tivo question or not. He tells us that he has been checking out all the new fall shows. Studio 60 is mentioned and then he does a spot on imitation of Amanda Peet.

Jericho, starring Skeet Ulrich is discussed, it seems the Pigs liked it. Stee describes it as a show about "nukes and tracheotomies." Minor dissing on Skeet occurs, when really the writers are to blame, and Eddie Vedder's name is thrown around the Honda.

Stee and Todd both have seen Shark. Todd thought it was terrible, and Stee said "it's dumb". Although they both agree that James Woods is "not terrible." Todd saw Smith, and Stee has Smith on the Tivo. Todd's thoughts on Smith you might ask....we will never know, because he doesn't actually tell us.

Skelton then verbally has his ass spanked by Stee for not having " a damn Tivo."

They briefly talk about Happy Hour, which apparently is not good, and then they begin to wrap up Vlog #2 by rebuilding Stee's car. Hilarity ensues and it is over. Thank God.



Overall I felt the Pigs started this Vlog strong, but they got lost near the end. Answers weren't clear, questions weren't answered and there was no making out. Stee's outfit was very nice, I really felt he put in some effort for the viewing audience. Skelton's emotion at not having a Tivo felt genuine. I thought Todd would provide more entertainment, his performance was a bit lackluster.

Honestly what more do I expect from three grown men in the back seat of a Honda in the parking garage of a movie theater?

See you for Vlog #3


Love,
Just A Girl

Let's get this debacle started!

Blog number 1, in which I attempt to put some order into your life!

The Film Pigs, how did they get started?

I am not sure who first had the idea for The Film Pigs, but I am sure it happened very late at night after much liver punishing marathon drinking.

What exactly do The Film Pigs do?

The Film Pigs not only perform the selfless act of providing the world with their well thought out opinions of films, they also create film commentary for some of the most important films today. Their latest effort was a deep and inspiring commentary explaining the minutia of The Bratz movie. Which make me worried for my mental health as much as I worry about Todd's liver.

But what purpose do the The Film Pigs serve?

From what I can ascertain The Film Pigs are here to inspire something akin to greatness, but not quite greatness....more like mediocrity, which is something we can all achieve if we try hard enough....just like The Film Pigs.

Love,
Just a Girl